She's Just Not That Into You
New Line Cinema
"I wasted a lot of time chasing men who weren’t interested in me with the wild abandon of an Alsatian in a rabbit hutch."
I don’t really have a type anymore. Until not that long ago, I had a very definitive type. My type was absolutely anyone who didn’t fancy me. It didn’t really matter what you looked like or what your interests were, the only thing you needed to be the man of my dreams was to be totally unbothered by my existence. And I’m here today to preach to you about what a Colossal Waste of Life it is.
Pursuing someone who isn’t interested in you is totally futile and yet it remains one of the most appealing challenges going. Why? Because that initial stage of dating is like two people dancing around each other, working out what the other one is going to do next. If the person is hard to get -- the dance can go on forever. If they confirm they really like you, the dance is over quickly.
The long dance is the most exciting and keeps you on your toes, but eventually it becomes tiring. So you decide to give up the chase and date someone who really likes you instead. But now you find dating when the feeling is reciprocated a bit bland by comparison. The long, complicated tango of seduction you performed with the hard-to-get person suddenly makes the dance with the easy-to-get person who likes you feel as simple as The Agadoo. It’s boring and easy and over far too soon. So you decide that they’re “too keen” and you set your sights on a new dance partner who has absolutely no interest in you.
Because here’s the problem -- people who don’t fancy you are just a bit sexier. If they’re disinterested, then it means you’ll think that they’re too good for you. And if you think they’re too good for you, that means you probably want to be with them. But this relentless, unrequited pursuing of someone can whittle away at huge chunks of life very quickly. Waiting for that tiny thing to hold on to -- the small clue that one day they might feel the same way -- it really does take up a lot of time. Plus it doesn’t leave much room for the poor sods who do actually like you.
I wasted a lot of time chasing men who weren’t interested in me with the wild abandon of an Alsatian in a rabbit hutch. Then all of a sudden, I felt exhausted by it and my love for unrequited love grew rather, well, unrequited. I decided to only date men who I got the feeling wanted to date me back and I finally solved that basic equation -- if someone shows interest in you, it doesn’t mean they’re not exciting. Man, has it freed up a lot of time.
So, reader, give up the chase. They’re just not interested and they really never will be. I know it seems challenging. I know you think they might just be playing a game. But here’s the honest truth of it. And this may hurt a little.
If they don’t reply to your texts -- they’re not interested in you.
If they don’t call you -- they’re not interested in you.
If they forget your birthday -- they’re not interested in you.
If they’re hung up on their ex -- they’re not interested in you.
If they’re obsessed with being single -- they’re not interested in you.
If they don’t want to meet your friends -- they’re not interested in you.
If they don’t want you to meet their friends -- they’re not interested in you.
If they don’t ask questions about your life -- they’re not interested in you.
If they don’t tell you things about their life -- they’re not interested in you.
If they only speak to you when they want to have sex with you -- they’re not interested in you.
If they only have sex with you when they’re drunk -- they’re not interested in you.
If they say “should we just keep this between us?’ after you have sex with them -- they’re not interested in you.
If they don’t have sex with you -- they’re not interested in you.
If they can always find a psychobabble rationale about who “I am” or “you are” or “we are” as reason why you can’t be together -- they’re not interested in you.
If they have said for more than six months that they would like to be with you “BUT” -- they’re not interested in you.
And if you still need convincing -- think of it this way. Think of what the real day-to-day of life is taken up by. Life is birthday parties at terrible pubs. Life is losing your credit card and the annual Melbourne Cup sweepstake in the office. Life is hen's nights, bucks' nights, sitting on the phone for three hours to get U2 tickets and not getting them, the apartment upstairs flooding your house, interval training, calorie counting, cancer scares, illegal mini cabs, Secret Santa, rail replacement buses and Dido albums. Dogs die, cars crash, bin liners break, contracts end, curtain rails collapse, trains get delayed, football teams lose. Divorce happens and so do earthquakes and so does An Audience With Michael Bublé. Landlords put rent up, phones get stolen and the supermarket often completely runs out of hummus.
Now, taking all of the above into account -- you look me dead in the eye and tell me the truth. Do you really have enough spare energy to pursue someone who isn’t interested in you? Do you really want to waste any more time on top of all of that? No. Me neither. So give it up, my friend. It’s a loser’s game. Delete their number. Don’t go on any more dates with them. Stop lurking on their Facebook page. Feels good, doesn’t it? Now. How’s about you and me stop wasting our lives and go dance The Agadoo.