How To Get Over Your Bedroom Fears

Sex Confidence

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"The great Ron Jeremy recently returned to porn after a life-threatening heart issue and expressed being nervous in his first scene back. It’s perfectly normal to feel what you feel."

Conquering Your Fears And Gaining Confidence


I’m pretty comfortable around girls, but when it comes to having sex, I lose all confidence. I know I’m young, 23, and have time, but I worry about if I’ll be any good. I don’t know if they will enjoy it, I’m not sure about techniques, what she likes, positions... So many things to worry about! I just want to be good at sex. It’s like I want to practice to get better but am too nervous to actually do it to get more experience. I don’t want to be a virgin anymore. What’s your advice?

Everyone has thoughts, concerns, even worries to some degree when it comes to sex. It’s human nature to be curious, to judge ourselves and feel anxiety. I do, everyday people do, porn stars do. The great Ron Jeremy recently returned to porn after a life-threatening heart issue and expressed being nervous in his first scene back. It’s perfectly normal to feel what you feel.

What is confidence? How do we lose confidence and how can we build it? I’ve found that knowledge is power, and confidence, in part, comes from feeling knowledgeable, competent and secure with ourselves. As a sex therapist, I understand some people may have deeper issues around security, sexuality and performance anxiety and may benefit from working with a professional. But many people could also gain confidence some work on their own.

I’m a big fan of reading and watching sex education books and DVDs. It’s amazing how in life, we use knowledge, studying and learning to feel competent and confident. We do it all the time in life, but the taboo nature of sex seems to deter people from doing just what would be helpful, which is learning how to have sex and feel comfortable doing it. My advice: saturate yourself with sexual knowledge, purchase sex education media and increase your confidence. Porn star and sex educator Jessica Drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex is a narrated sexual education DVD series that covers everything from sexual positions, female masturbation, anal, threesomes, fellatio and a host of other topics that can increase your knowledge and confidence. It’s a good way to begin the process of becoming sexual and reducing the pressure, expectation and anxiety that you are creating for yourself.

Condom Help

Help! The condom keeps breaking on me and my girlfriend, and we’re doing everything right. I’m pinching the tip, and we use lube because she says it feels better. How can this be happening to us and none of my friends? Can you explain this?

It’s pretty rare to have multiple condoms breaking. I know our first instinct is to blame the rubber, but the overwhelming majority of time condom breakage is our fault. There’s something you both are doing that is compromising the integrity of the latex. So let’s review the protocols. Check the wrapper for expiration date. Most condoms are made about four years from their expiration date. Personally, I prefer not to use condoms that are close to expiring unless they have been under my delicate and gentle care for years. I don’t know where those condoms have been and what wear and tear they’ve experienced. Make sure condoms are stored at room temperature away from heat, cold and extreme temperatures. Check for air bubbles when pressing on the closed condom. No air bubble likely means the condom has been exposed to extreme temperature, pressure (like sitting on it) or a possible opening in the packaging.

When opening, slide the condom to one side and tear the packaging on the opposite side. Sometimes opening the packaging incorrectly can accidentally tear the latex. Never use your teeth, scissors, etc. Simply tear down the perforated edges making sure the condom is not near the tearing. Pinch the reservoir tip and do not leave air. Bubbles are great -- kids love ‘em -- but they don’t belong at the tip of a condom. That air bubble could burst. Make sure you place the condom on the head of the penis correctly and the condom latex slides down the shaft. If you slip up and place it backwards, toss it. Flipping it over and putting it on may seem fine, but the external tip might have pre-cum on it, which may have STIs and sperm. Roll the condom down to the base of the penis, and, there you have it, good condom application. Once you ejaculate, pull out while holding the condom to the base of your penis.

Remember that lubes must be latex-safe. Sometimes people use lubes they think are safe, but they still contain oils that can break down latex. The lube should say condom-safe, latex-safe or water-based on the label. Read the ingredients, and if there are any oils, it would be best to save that lube for non-penetrative sexual fun. I’ve seen products that say water-soluble but still contain oils. Next Page >>

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