Doc Love: The Pitfalls Of A Long-Distance Relationship
This week, Doc Love, author of "The System," helps a man understand a woman's signals"I don’t like ultimatums, which you'd know if you’d read my book. Ultimatums are not loving."
First of all, I’d like to thank you for being there for us, on your mission to coach mankind!
I met Brianna five years ago. We live in different cities about two hours away from each other by plane. Initially I thought that I’d move closer to her with time. Then it turned out that it’s almost impossible to find a job as well paid and as secure in her city as mine. Although Brianna’s city is bigger, they would offer me only a 30% higher salary, and everything there is 300% more expensive, so I’d consider it a financial downgrade, which I’m not going to take. Three years after our relationship started, I asked Brianna to marry me but we didn’t, instead staying engaged for quite a long time. I didn’t grasp it then, but now I realise that her Interest Level was slowly dropping. A couple of years ago she started pushing me for a baby. I wasn’t ready for that, though, because we still weren’t living together. Now I realise that we don’t have too many common interests either!
Finally, a year ago, Brianna started pushing me for the child really hard and she told me that she’d either get pregnant or leave me. At that point I gave in and she got pregnant. We married a year ago and my son was born in June, 2012. Afterward, Brianna’s Interest Level was probably in the 50s. She changed the rules (after the marriage and the kid!), started nagging me almost to death and not caring about me at all. She wouldn’t let me eat, sleep, enjoy myself, etc. I now spend some of the time with Brianna and the child, and the rest in my city. Recently things have really deteriorated. Brianna calls me horrible names and threatens to divorce me. I’ve got “The System” now and have realised all my mistakes. But too late! If I’d gotten it a year and a half ago, everything would be different right now!
Doc, I’ve lost some of my confidence with all the nagging. We’re back together and Brianna’s behaving normally and not nagging quite as much, but she doesn’t touch me, doesn’t hug me, doesn’t kiss me. Please tell me whether it’s possible to reverse this process somehow. You say that once Interest Level dips under 50%, there’s no way back. But perhaps something could work out?
I would really like to keep my family together and not leave the kid without a father.
Calvert - who feels beaten down
Doc Love's ResponseHi Calvert,
You say you live two hours away from Brianna. Right there you’re talking about 120 minutes separating you and your wife. And you know what this does to a relationship. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “When you’re out of sight, you’re out of mind.”
Brianna’s Interest Level was slowly dropping because of the distance between you and the fact that you weren’t doing anything right. To you psych majors, you have to see a woman you’re dating two or three times a week in order to keep it going. In addition, you were engaged, which doesn’t make any sense at all if you’re not living in the same area as your fiancée.
Now let me ask you this: How is it that you can go with a woman for several years and not have common interests with her -- and not realise it? That’s yet another negative effect of a long-distance relationship. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You two were so far away from each other, you didn’t know who she really was.”
But she told you that she had to get pregnant or leave you. Now think about this, pal. Brianna’s saying “Either I have a child or you have to leave me.” That is an ultimatum! I don’t like ultimatums, which you'd know if you’d read my book. Ultimatums are not loving. Like my cousin General Love says, “They’re more like gunslingers daring each other to draw first.” Brianna should have tried to work this out with you, but you got into a bad situation at the very beginning of this relationship because of the distance. And the mess started right there, and you have not been able to clean it up because of the distance and not knowing “The System.” Next Page >>