Is It Wrong To Think Of Strangers?


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"If it’s normative and natural to be attracted to or want to sleep with numerous people, then why would your fantasies be any different?"

Thinking Of Strangers


Is it bad to fantasise about another woman when I have sex with my wife?

Rather than focus on good and bad, or right and wrong, let’s take a different approach because it’s not up to others to decide what works or doesn’t work for you in your relationship. The truth is, most men and women in a relationship use some form of outside fantasy during masturbation or sex during some point or another in their lives. If it’s normative and natural to be attracted to or want to sleep with numerous people, then why would your fantasies be any different?

We know that variety helps couples with their sexual relationships. And fantasy is just another form of mental variety. For most people, the idea of their partner fantasising about another person can bring up insecurities, jealousy and even anger. But does that make fantasising wrong? I know most people will disagree, but fantasy is healthy. It allows our imagination and creativity to join with our sexual expression and arousal. For some, fantasy is a way to safely explore outside their relationships without actually physically cheating. Some may argue that that is still cheating, but who gets to draw the line and say that creativity and variety has to be “monogamous”? In my opinion, society has constructed a world where we feel too uncomfortable and guilty over many of our sexual thoughts and ideas.

Your fantasies are your own. No one can take away your mind’s ability to mentally picture arousing scenarios. What gives a person the right to try and control the mental imagery of their partner? Should our fantasies only focus on our partners? Well, that pretty much phases out exotic dancing, porn, erotica, thinking back to past sexual experiences, romance novels, 50 Shades of Grey, sex scenes in movies and really anything that excites or arouses us outside of our partners. Most people would be in the “wrong” according to that train of thought.   

Your question might bring up some guilt and shame over why you’re thinking of these images in the first place. I think it’s important to examine yourself and your relationship in order to see if you are happy and attracted to your partner and thereby gain insight into the reasons you might be experiencing these feelings. It may be that there’s nothing wrong and you simply have a mind that enjoys varied fantasies. Leave your insecurities at the door, let your partner fantasise about Brad or Angelina (or both), and enjoy the spoils of a robust sexual relationship that uses fantasy as a sexual ally and not an adversary.       
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