Doc Love: Can You Reconcile An Age Difference?

An Older Woman

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"I did not have the guts to tell her it was her facial wrinkles that turned me off, but I think she picked up on it."
This week, Doc Love, author of "The System," warns a reader about misleading an older woman.

Hey Doc,

I bought “The System” several years ago and thought it was full of great information. I prefer to get my dating/relationship coaching from a male perspective, which is why I’m writing you.

While living overseas, I met Cara, who was a 7 out of 10. However, I noticed some wrinkles on her face, which made her look a little older than her actual age, and it turned me off as I didn't want to date an older woman. She is 40 and I am 34. But I got to know her and we had great chemistry. I started seeing her on a regular basis, to the point where I was staying at her place most of the time. She treated me like a king, was a giver like I’ve never met before, flexible, a great cook and had integrity. I decided to move in with her for a month before my return home. It was my first time living with a woman and part of my decision to move in with her was out of my curiosity to see what would happen.

I got to know Cara better during that time, and her interest stayed in the upper 90s. I didn’t show her affection in public because I didn’t want my friends to think that she and I were boyfriend and girlfriend. She told me that I hurt her feelings by not being proud to be with her. We had discussions about why I was not ready to begin a relationship with her and I told her that it was due to the age difference. I did not have the guts to tell her it was her facial wrinkles that turned me off, but I think she picked up on it. She kept insisting that age should not be an issue and that I was missing out on a great relationship.

In the meantime, I got attracted to Gina, a girl in my dancing class. She’s my age and was also attracted to me. The catch is that she’s married and can barely speak English. I was turned off when I found out she was married and did not want to get involved with her, which made her come on to me more. As time went by, I couldn’t resist her advances and we ended up getting romantic a couple of times before I returned home.

It’s been almost a month since I returned home, and I’ve been in touch with both Cara and Gina via email. I pretty much know that my relationship with Gina will not take me anywhere. She’s not available, does not have integrity (I am guilty of that myself) and we wouldn’t be able to communicate much. She’s not in love with her husband, but I doubt she will get out of her marriage easily. Cara, on the other hand, is waiting for me with open arms and is ready to start a relationship that will lead to a family.

I feel that I already failed my loyalty test to Cara. At the same time, I see this as a valuable lesson: I should be with a woman I feel passionate about or else the chances of me cheating on a woman I just settle for will be high.

Doc, I don’t think my passion for Cara is going to increase to the same levels I feel for Gina. However, I am aware that looks aren't everything and as the years go by, what really counts is a person’s character and values. But I don’t want to be in a marriage in which I will not be happy, like most people out there. I know that if I keep blowing Cara off, she will eventually move on and I would hate to miss out on the possibility of a great relationship with her. Should I stay with Cara (and her wrinkles) or should I find a younger woman (say, 24 to 31) I am passionate about and hopefully possesses the same great qualities Cara has demonstrated?

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