What Do You Do When You Don't Share Her Kink?
"If public sex is on the menu, try a public place where people know sex is part of the environment, like a sex club."
What Can A Guy Do To Please His Exhibitionist Girlfriend?Dear Doc,
My girlfriend has a kink I don’t know what to do with. We’ve tried it all. She can only come when she is being filmed or when she is being watched. Nothing has worked. She also told me that she has a really hard time coming when masturbating and can only get there when she imagines past experiences when she came while being watched. What can we do?
Before we get into what we can do, let’s first try to understand a bit more about what’s going on. Given what little you’ve described, it’s likely the psychology community would describe your girlfriend as an exhibitionist and/or having autagonistophilia, a paraphilia (less common intense sexual arousal to people, objects, situations) in which sexual arousal and orgasm is reached upon displaying one's self sexually onstage, in person, live or on camera. Anyone who reads my column or knows me is well aware of my aversion to paraphilic terms because they are often medicalised and pejorative, so let’s call it exhibitionism play. In regards to your partner’s masturbatory experiences recalling past events, sexologist Jack Morin, who wrote The Erotic Mind, may call this a peak erotic experience, which some people revert back to during masturbation or sex to relive or recreate the intense pleasure and arousal from the past.
We understand so little about the wiring of people’s sexual interests that my philosophy is to learn to accept it, embrace it, appreciate it and enjoy it. There are a couple of things you can do to make this journey more pleasurable. You could see a qualified, sex-positive, orientation-affirmative clinician who can help you, your girlfriend or both of you learn to appreciate this unique sexual expression. If any professional tries to change this, run for the hills. There’s no need to embark down the path of shame, guilt and frustration while trying to change something that we don’t understand or have any solid evidence of being able to change in treatment. Why change? To be normal, part of the majority, just like everyone else?
A couple of items to consider: Explore this safely and legally. Coercion means people are exposed or doing something against their will. So if public sex is on the menu, try a public place where people know sex is part of the environment, like a sex club. A park might have nonconsenting people present, and you are likely breaking the law. There are other possibilities like exotic dancing and webcamming, which can be highly profitable and arousing. You can make your own private videos and watch them together afterward. Consider exploring the swinger lifestyle or erotic communities, and events and conferences that encourage open, outward sexual play. Before all of this, there will need to be a lot of self-exploration and communication to see what you both want, what you're comfortable with and whether you're both compatible and on the same page. Next Page >>