Why Your Moustache Will Attract Women
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“Facial hair says that you can squash bugs, chop wood and take care of women inside the bedroom and out. Moustaches are manly.“
Moustaches are much-maligned. They face ridicule and mockery from a society that deems them appropriate only for ’70s-era porn stars or Tom Selleck. However it’s an unfair association. Plenty of badass mofos have sported moustaches: Sean Connery (aka James Bond), Johnny Depp, Teddy Roosevelt, Jason Lee and Freddie Mercury.
You may be thinking, “Sure, they all had moustaches, but they’re all cooler than me.” Not true! They just owned their look. If you’re going to make such a bold statement, you have to believe you look awesome. If you appear unsure of your moustache, you’ll just look like a chump. It’s like hitting on a chick or wearing plaid pants. Men who sport moustaches are bold. It takes balls to go against the grain and grow a moustache. It says, “I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think, society. I like my facial hair.”
Case in point, I once met a guy we’ll call Keith. Keith was one of those guys who had always been baby-faced. Zero facial hair. He had been cute before. “Cute” being the operative word. He was funny and goofy, but manly and sexy? Never. Until he decided to grow a moustache and goatee combo. He suddenly went from being boyishly cute to masculine. All of a sudden I could picture him carrying my luggage, helping old ladies across the street and saving the world from imminent doom. OK, I’m exaggerating a bit, but not entirely. On a subconscious level, I did think he was stronger and manlier, making me feel all the more like a woman.
Why? As we all know, facial hair starts sprouting around puberty due to an increase in testosterone. A boy with facial hair is showing the first signs of being a man. A baby-faced guy says immaturity and youthful folly. It says skateboards and drinking while your parents aren’t looking. Facial hair says that you can squash bugs, chop wood and take care of women inside the bedroom and out. Moustaches are manly.
A moustache sets you apart from the crowd. Moustaches are unique. Why look like everyone else when you can set yourself apart? You can guarantee that hottie you’ve had your eye on won’t forget you when you’re sporting a ‘stache. If you’re a man, it’s all about your hair and, more specifically, facial hair. It’s what sets you apart from the ladies. At least most of them. Women can do all kinds of fancy things like paint their nails, wear high heels, put on makeup, wear bright colors and push-up bras. Your options are much more limited unless you’re RuPaul or one of the Scissor Sisters. So aside from choosing a stylin’ hair do, your only way to differentiate yourself is through your facial hair. Facial hair is what makes you a man.
Unfortunately modern-day society has dictated that men who wear beards are either lumberjacks or slovenly slobs. Ipso facto, it’s hard to go traipsing into the office sporting a full beard ZZ Top-style. Enter the moustache! The moustache is your happy medium between beard and clean-shaven (and, no, scruff doesn’t count).
My friend Felicia’s husband had long sported scruff, but decided to mix it up one day by growing a moustache. At first she balked; she thought he was going to like a ’70s porn star. But once he grew it in, she quickly found herself enjoying his new look. Compared to all of his other banker friends, Anthony looked unique. Like a renegade of sorts. While they looked buttoned-up and boring, he looked stylish. But the most important part of his look was his confidence. He was able to rock the ‘stache because he owned it. The result? Super sexy.
Just remember: If Frida Kahlo was able to rock a moustache, there’s no reason you can’t.